Reflection and Forgiveness

     Today I did something I've been so scared of doing.  After close to 12 years of not seeing my father, I finally mustered enough courage and went to my hometown to visit he and my step-mother.  It was long overdue.    
     Apparently I've forgiven myself for all of my anger and resentment I've harbored all these years; forgiven he and my step-mother for actions which I did not understand at that time.  I am both proud of myself and disgusted that I allowed it to take so long.  All I can do is look to the future for a better relationship with him, not dwell on my childish actions, or non-actions over the years, and continue to forgive.     
     This is all coming on the heels of another round of forgiveness, and opening of another door which has been in the process of continual revolving for several months now.  Sometimes we don't realize how lucky we truly are.  I am, finally.  I am loved by wonderful people, past and present.  Finding that forgiveness, even if it's so far down in my psyche, makes me a better person.   "Let it go," and "Just accept it" are my mantras.  
     Thank you to my loved ones who make me hear this everyday. 

We've hit the water mark...

Now that PRIDE is over, and the "high" is wearing off, I'm reflecting on what a wonderful time I had. However for my roomie/dear friend, it ended on a rocky note. This is why we need to keep educating everyone, letting all know we are not the "scary" people one might believe we are. As he was coming home, in OUR neighborhood, a group of twenty somethings yelled at him some very aggressive words. "F" bombs, and not the ones you might be thinking. If the rolls were reversed, he would have had his ass beat. This is not acceptable behaviour. I know it happens, a lot, even in our socially left beautiful city. When he told me this, it made me very angry and sad.

This is why we ALL need to keep fighting...

PRIDE

this is THE month, OUR month, MY month.  pride is upon us.

with each passing day since the beginning of june, i have found myself becoming more and more excited; giddy if you will.  having the love and support of my friends and family year round is a wonderful and fortunate thing.  however, to see so many people, strangers, giving the same love and support, even if it might only be during one month out of the year, is amazing to me.  

i am quite fortunate this year to really participate in portland's pride celebration.  walking in the parade with friends, and my "chosen" family.  this i cannot wait for.  it will not come soon enough, and will end so very quickly.  i must remember to put this experience into my long term memory bank; walking down the route, hand in hand, with my "chosen" family, seeing the crowd on the sideline cheering.

how can one not be excited for that?

i am a proud, out lesbian.  always have been, and always will...

similar to being dosed...

     such a long time since i've actually put pen to paper.  it feels good.  of course it will be put to the web later tonight (in the process of).  something else which feels good; getting back at it.
     revisiting old friends.  music that is.  U2's "The Joshua Tree."  one of the best albums, ever.  funny how music can take you to a place in your life, even if it was 20 years ago. remembering that time, emotions, people.
     The Pretenders, Fleetwood Mac's "Rumors."  heavy rotation as of late.  why?  i can't say.  what i can verbalize is the comfort they bring.  they make the uncertainty of my life a bit more silent.  i cannot get enough of the aural.  it feeds my soul...

needle freak?

http://thisisnthappiness.com/post/22704036074/never-quit

apparently even with the health scare, i do not have enough sovereignty over my addiction.  this.pisses.me.off.  acupuncture has to work, right?

melting point

it finally happened.  yesterday.  i knew it was coming and it did with a vengeance.

after a psychotic break i always have the feeling of not necessarily euphoria, but bliss, release or complete submission.  there is one thing i have found which gives my psyche this release.  unfortunately i cannot obtain this whenever i so very much need it.  maybe when my brain shuts down, does the break, it knows what to look forward to; that blissful feeling, the submission, the letting go.  is this why it happens?  why i cannot contain my emotions?  why i allow them to build up to this point?

please, no more...

Side-effects

Micrograph of fatty liver, as may be seen due to long-term prednisone use. Trichrome stain.

Short-term side-effects, as with all glucocorticoids, include high blood glucose levels, especially in patients with diabetes mellitus or on other medications that increase blood glucose such as tacrolimus) and mineralocorticoid effects such as fluid retention. It is worth noting, however, that the mineralocorticoid effects of prednisone are very minor; this is why it is not used in the management of adrenal insufficiency, unless a more potent mineralocorticoid is administered concomitantly.

Additional short-term side-effects can include insomnia, euphoria and, rarely, mania (in particular, in those suffering from Bipolar disorders I and II). It can also cause depression or depressive symptoms and anxiety in some individuals.^[4] [5]

Long-term side-effects include Cushing's syndrome, truncal weight gain, osteoporosis, glaucoma and cataracts, type II diabetes mellitus, anddepression upon dose reduction or cessation.

[edit]Major

• Increased blood sugar for diabetics
• Difficulty controlling emotion
• Difficulty in maintaining train of thought
• Weight gain
• Facial swelling
• Depression, mania, psychosis, or other psychiatric symptoms
• Unusual fatigue or weakness
• Mental confusion / indecisiveness
• Blurred vision
• Abdominal pain
• Peptic ulcer
• Infections
• Painful hips or shoulders
• Steroid-induced osteoporosis
• Stretch marks
• Osteonecrosis
• Long-term migraines
• Insomnia
• Severe joint pain
• Cataracts or glaucoma
• Anxiety
• Black stool
• Stomach pain or bloating
• Severe swelling
• Mouth sores or dry mouth
• Avascular necrosis
• Hepatic steatosis

[edit]Minor

• Nervousness
• Acne
• Rash
• Increased appetite
• Hyperactivity
• Frequent urination
• Diarrhea
• Removes intestinal flora
• Leg pain/cramps
• Sensitive teeth

"i'm not calling you a ghost..."

"...just stop haunting me..."

...but is travelling in the correct direction

ch-ch-ch-changes

so it begins and ends, all at the same time.  i am now a non-smoker...

yet another pneumonia scare.  thrice in less than two years therefore enough is enough.  

this has really rattled me to my core.  not necessarily the thought of the little buggers living in my lungs yet again, but they are absent.  sick thought process right?  well in my warped mind, having pneumonia means/meant i will get better; prescribe me with the accustomed pharmacy, my lungs will stop hurting and i will continue to pollute them.  not the case on this current merry-go-round.  

"mild airways disease"

this was on my X-ray result.  after questioning my doctor whether this is a condition which will get better, or something i will live with and will retrogress; i heard, really heard her response, and became worried.  quite shaken actually.  not necessarily the response, which is below.  good news it says.  it was the attachment, a pdf file of pulmonologist referrals.

"I have reviewed your results and have found:
Your chest x ray showed mild thickening at the smaller bronchioles thatlead to your lungs, but this is unchanged from your prior chest x ray inOctober. There was no pneumonia or any other acute (new) changes."


really?!?  i.am.37.

"rolling in the deep"

talisman

how could i not be great? the more i hear what has been happening, the better off i am without her, i truly realise.

i need the above talisman, permanently inked on my skin. a lasting reminder...

"you hit me once, i hit you back..."

transition.takes.time.

upon flipping back through my self-imposed under-appreciated blog, i saw the above from a previous entry. seeing that hit me square in the face. it fits my life, and i must remember it daily. apparently, the last one to be "kicked to my life curb" is currently in transition. good on her. she's taking the steps, slowly but hopefully quite surely.

realisation of bridges on fire can truly be a life altering drug.

burbing it

funny how one can live in the largest city of her state and not come across a 24 hour coffee house, but can in the burbs. that's where I am at this late-ish hour. is there something wrong with the universe...

originally penned 1.3.12

succinct

~Mark Flood

finding myself

this has been a chore.

you know, once you lose something, and are frantically trying to find it, it can become quite difficult. this is what is happening with me. i am frantic, so frantic that i can no longer find myself, my interests. this is ruining me, my friendships and my relationship. i've got to get a grip and fix this, fix me.

ascendany, where is it?

something i can't get rid of, no matter how many times i try.

i keep torturing myself with it, i know, it will be my OWN undoing, and i still am not able to control it.

why?

maybe someday i will find it...i'm hoping...