living with my house on my back

note: this was originally written on 3.27.10

i do not fair well living the nomadic life. finally, i am home and the extensive i5 tour is coming to an end.

having just unpacked a huge portion of my new apartment, with the majority of the work being done by my girlfriend and a close friend, i am tired.

sensory overload?

déjà vu

usually this is not painful for me, maybe uncomfortable. when this happens, my age/no-term memory/swiss cheese brain activity rears it's ugly head. another reminder of my ripening state leaving me discombobulated, more so than i typically am.

i experienced a strong déjà vu during dinner last night. first, cait took me to this wonderful restaurant which i have not haunted yet. familiarity crept over my psyche after i sat down and took in the decor and smells. second, i noticed one of the servers is a lady i had met in the eug. who worked at my friend's old bar. so not really a promnesia experience. third, random patrons appeared to be people i know or have known. all of this in ptown. walking away from the experience, i felt as though i was in the eug.

maybe the city is telling me something...

...

fell off the wagon, smoking that is...
there is too much stress rolling around right now, even with the patches...

the closer the time comes, the more anxiety...

i am doing the right thing for me...
everyone keeps telling me that and i know that...

it's the process...
let alone not just one life altering change, but three, all at the same time...

wishing i were with you already...

"it's not always about you..."

recurrently, another sleepless night with my gargoyle dubbed "insomnia" sitting on one shoulder.

comprehension of this relatively new phase in my life is becoming a failure. lack of sleep never has been an issue, but within the last year it has been lurking. stymied by not being able to power down my mind.

vacation in seattle whilst everything is falling into place with my life, and then the stress slices through the sound. absolutely no reason for this stress. call it "self-induced." or even paranoia. pause, "self-induced paranoia" would be more apropos.

how?

how are some people capable of turning it off...pushing it out of their mind's eye?

why?

why am i incapable of this?

wiring i presume?

"how much will i be charged for the rewiring?"

...and no, it wasn't about me...

ferret anyone?

it's love...that is what is causing the anxiety. no, this is not entirely true. not love itself but the frenzy of falling in love, and with someone who lives a jaunt away.

please do not get me wrong, i am happy, very happy. in fact i do not remember the last time i have been so sickeningly ecstatic, much to the chagrin of my poor friends and co-workers.

however, it cannot be helped.

xanax anyone?

anx·i·ety
Pronunciation: \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural anx·i·eties
Etymology: Latin anxietas, from anxius
Date: circa 1525

1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety
2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

not quite sure what's going on with me as of late. not sleeping through the night, and for most of my life i have suspected that i may be a narcoleptic. do you know anyone who has "assed" out watching "the rocky horror picture show" in the first row of a theater? if you do let me know their name so i can babble to them about it.

could it be that i've been wearing the patch to sleep for the last week? no, i've encountered this lack of sleep even before my decision to delve into the land of the "healthy." in fact, the memory of a fully restful night of sleep is waning to nonexistence.

addled, anxiety, restlessness...enough descriptors for now. i am not at peace and i really should be. feeling as though i need to hunker down in my apartment and have some "me" time. close off from the world for a good week. compose myself.

don't get me wrong, i am happy. life is moving along swimmingly for me, and this may be the culprit: being completely preoccupied with another person. as often as i try to get her out of my head, i cannot. not entirely a dreadful thing but frustrating. the distance which separates us. maybe that's it.

no, i know what it is...

"happy birthday dear jesus"

here i am watching this upbeat movie and wanting to smoke. but, i can't. well, i can and have, but i shouldn't. not advisable to smoke whilst wearing the transdermal nicotine patch. cronies, whom have attempted this, have cautioned against this.

also, this probably is not the best movie to be viewing at this time...