reticent correspondence

after a lengthy sojourn my mind is proclaiming, "get back at it...three and one half months is entirely too long."

checklist please...

1. tattoo
2. birthday - on the upward spiral now
3. lobes - 1/2" presently
4. novel domicile plus roommates
5. no contact with those not worthy of me

more to come...are you worthy?

life arrested

it's hard creating a new life and so much easier to create a new "non-life." however this is attenuating my soul, which will be adjusted soon...augmentation

circadian

three overnight shifts this week...three, with two more ensuing.

at least my circadian rhythm is espying just that, some sort of rhythm. this is a commodity my corpse and soul have been craving since arriving in the people's republic / little bay root.

transition.takes.time.

R.I.P. golden girls

goodbye rue, estelle and bea.

let's just hope betty is here with us for a good amount of time, we need her laughter...

sleep in my eyes

it's not just aging which causes us to feel and see the days becoming shorter, or moving at a more rapid pace...stress, love, etc. will cause this too.

five months to the day.

i would have said "no" in retrospect, honestly...

but, at least i'm living in ptown now?

living with my house on my back

note: this was originally written on 3.27.10

i do not fair well living the nomadic life. finally, i am home and the extensive i5 tour is coming to an end.

having just unpacked a huge portion of my new apartment, with the majority of the work being done by my girlfriend and a close friend, i am tired.

sensory overload?

déjà vu

usually this is not painful for me, maybe uncomfortable. when this happens, my age/no-term memory/swiss cheese brain activity rears it's ugly head. another reminder of my ripening state leaving me discombobulated, more so than i typically am.

i experienced a strong déjà vu during dinner last night. first, cait took me to this wonderful restaurant which i have not haunted yet. familiarity crept over my psyche after i sat down and took in the decor and smells. second, i noticed one of the servers is a lady i had met in the eug. who worked at my friend's old bar. so not really a promnesia experience. third, random patrons appeared to be people i know or have known. all of this in ptown. walking away from the experience, i felt as though i was in the eug.

maybe the city is telling me something...

...

fell off the wagon, smoking that is...
there is too much stress rolling around right now, even with the patches...

the closer the time comes, the more anxiety...

i am doing the right thing for me...
everyone keeps telling me that and i know that...

it's the process...
let alone not just one life altering change, but three, all at the same time...

wishing i were with you already...

"it's not always about you..."

recurrently, another sleepless night with my gargoyle dubbed "insomnia" sitting on one shoulder.

comprehension of this relatively new phase in my life is becoming a failure. lack of sleep never has been an issue, but within the last year it has been lurking. stymied by not being able to power down my mind.

vacation in seattle whilst everything is falling into place with my life, and then the stress slices through the sound. absolutely no reason for this stress. call it "self-induced." or even paranoia. pause, "self-induced paranoia" would be more apropos.

how?

how are some people capable of turning it off...pushing it out of their mind's eye?

why?

why am i incapable of this?

wiring i presume?

"how much will i be charged for the rewiring?"

...and no, it wasn't about me...

ferret anyone?

it's love...that is what is causing the anxiety. no, this is not entirely true. not love itself but the frenzy of falling in love, and with someone who lives a jaunt away.

please do not get me wrong, i am happy, very happy. in fact i do not remember the last time i have been so sickeningly ecstatic, much to the chagrin of my poor friends and co-workers.

however, it cannot be helped.

xanax anyone?

anx·i·ety
Pronunciation: \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural anx·i·eties
Etymology: Latin anxietas, from anxius
Date: circa 1525

1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety
2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

not quite sure what's going on with me as of late. not sleeping through the night, and for most of my life i have suspected that i may be a narcoleptic. do you know anyone who has "assed" out watching "the rocky horror picture show" in the first row of a theater? if you do let me know their name so i can babble to them about it.

could it be that i've been wearing the patch to sleep for the last week? no, i've encountered this lack of sleep even before my decision to delve into the land of the "healthy." in fact, the memory of a fully restful night of sleep is waning to nonexistence.

addled, anxiety, restlessness...enough descriptors for now. i am not at peace and i really should be. feeling as though i need to hunker down in my apartment and have some "me" time. close off from the world for a good week. compose myself.

don't get me wrong, i am happy. life is moving along swimmingly for me, and this may be the culprit: being completely preoccupied with another person. as often as i try to get her out of my head, i cannot. not entirely a dreadful thing but frustrating. the distance which separates us. maybe that's it.

no, i know what it is...

"happy birthday dear jesus"

here i am watching this upbeat movie and wanting to smoke. but, i can't. well, i can and have, but i shouldn't. not advisable to smoke whilst wearing the transdermal nicotine patch. cronies, whom have attempted this, have cautioned against this.

also, this probably is not the best movie to be viewing at this time...

lobes and friends

hmmm...this life is a roller coaster, a merry-go-round, "insert favorite carnival ride here."

friends coming out of the woodwork as of late. this is valuable.

ruminating over my newly augmented lobes which are bellowing for me to remove the cold, hard, exponentially larger metal. usually one is not aware of their lobes, are they? i am not, until i plunge hefty pieces of glass jewelry, 1mm larger at a time, into the healed lobes. however, this jump, and let me tell you, was/is painful. my stretching compatriots advised me of this.

2mm extra for a jump? shouldn't be too disagreeable...it's only 2mm.

really?

yeah, really.

pink flamingos & marshmallows

it has been decided...the cessation of smoking is upon me.

heaven help all of us? nah, i have more sovereignty over my addiction than originally thought. it's just the cancer cells screaming at me "no!"

when my nicotinic receptors begin dumpster diving for their prey, i must remember strolling through the whit with the pink flamingos & marshmallows in the rain.

32, the magic number.
ration them.
savor them.
enjoy them while i can.

earnesty is the best policy

my universe has been ceremoniously shaken, not stirred, and thrown back into the newly convivial heap of my life. how does this happen at such a frantic and rapid pace and then come crashing down with all the ferocity of the hindenburg?

back up the yo-yo string...zip here we go!

gut instinct; i need to remember ubiquity and employ it. never has it failed me, but i have it.

let the heart go one last time, but in my orbit, wearing the proverbial trousers.

grey matter

even with many changes in my life as of late, i still reside in my head too much. call it classical conditioning - the only way i know how to cope. it has been that way for the last dozen years or so.

what to do, what to do?

I have the answer and just need to trust in it, let it all go, see what the hell happens, and not be so guarded. fortuitously my friends and loved ones are lenient with my many, many idiosyncrasies. and to you who comprehends me as well as yourself, danke and gracias.